Here’s the situation.  I was driving down east bound I-96, O.K?  Minding my own business, I might add – so I will, add it that is.  Well, anyway, out of the blue this, this……person…..a person in a car suddenly comes in from no-wheresville and cuts me off like BAM!  I swerve like, BAM, to keep him from crumpling my left front fender.  So, while I’m attempting to stay in my lane and not hybridize with the big yellow truck next to me, I yell something.  I think I said “Merry Christmas” or “God loves you more than you can know!” or something like that.

  I happen to have my camera in the seat next to me, so I balance it on the steering wheel, center his car in the viewfinder and shoot – all this while regaining control of my vehicle.  I’ll teach him, or them, or whoever it was behind the wheel.  I’ll post their image on the internet and shame them into…well, something.  People will talk, yeah, they’ll talk and, and they’ll say things.  Justice will be mine.  I’ll file a police report. It’ll say “Subject nearly sideswiped by an unidentified driver carrying a Picea alba on the roof of a small late model vehicle.” 

    Here’s the revealing photo.  Now that a picture of this so-called driver is out there for everyone to see, I hope they realize what a b-i-g mistake they made.  You don’t cut a naturalist off and expect to get off scot free.  No siree bob.  The Christmas tree attached to that car roof, ladies and gentlemen, is none other than a White Spruce.  Spruce trees have poor needle retention. Do you think the driver knows that? Are they aware of the fact that the crushed needles on this species have an unpleasant smell?  Do they even have the faintest idea of the botany behind Christmas trees? I think not. 

  The first thing I’ll do, when my opportunity finally comes to face the offender in person, will be to sit them down in a tiny little room with a huge chart showing the different kinds of Christmas trees.  I’ll show them the basic line up of trees available to the S.E. Michigan public. 

  Michigan ranks as one of the top Christmas tree producers in the country with over 130,000 acres dedicated solely for that purpose. Most of these are sold out of state, but I will point out to the offender that people like themselves are responsible for keeping the remaining 25% of the trees instate. “Do you feel the burden of this responsibility?” I will ask. “Unsafe driving while in possession of a Christmas Tree could be a capital offense,” I’ll add with a knowing smirk. “Let’s find out what your evergreen of choice was and fit the punishment to the crime.”  At this point, I’ll point to the blank screen at the front of the room like Scrooge’s ghost. “Pay heed.”

  Although there are many different kinds of holiday evergreens, there are three basic types to focus on.  First of all, there are the pines.  Pines have long stiff needles which are clustered in bunches called Fascicles. This is the PowerPoint slide I’ll show them- it is a branchlet from a Red Pine. You can identify the different species of pine by the length and number of needles in each bundle. The Red Pine has two five inch long needles per bundle.  The Scotch Pine, the most common Christmas tree of all, also has two needles per cluster but they are only an inch or so in length.  White Pines have five needles, but they are rarely used as Christmas Trees.

  The next slide I’ll show will be of a typical spruce tree branch.  Spruces have single stout needles which are attached directly to the branch.  I’ll focus in this slide very slowly to reveal the image of a Blue Spruce.  This common Christmas tree is easily identified by its bluish cast and ¾” – 1 ½” needles when compared to the ½”- ¾” plain green needles of the White Spruce.  Both species look good on the lot, but they can quickly shed their needles upon entering a dry house environment.

  Since I don’t have a slide of a Fir branch, I’m planning on turning off all the lights at this point and whispering into their left ear the fact that the Balsam Fir is the most common representative of this last group. Like spruces, they have single needles but they are flattened, curved upward, somewhat softer, and are not as densely spaced.

  Creating a sudden blinding flash in the darkened room, I’ll flick the lights back on and demand that they repeat the implied question “Pine, spruce, or fir?  Pine, spruce or fir?” I want them to think about their choice of tree.

  “Before answering that question, you need to know one more thing,” I’ll cleverly interject. The PowerPoint will come to life once more and a microscopic image of an individual spruce needle will project onto the screen. I will point out that evergreen needles are actually leaves.  With this 200X image you can see the hundreds of tiny white pores that dot the surface.  These are the breathing pores called stomata.  “Did you know that all evergreen needles can stay active all winter long? They respire through these pores and can perform photosynthesis on warm winter days?”

  “You can’t see this micro feature on a tree that is in motion, can you? Species identification is especially difficult when the tree in question is going 150 mph” I’ll say with a wink. After a momentary pause to let that insanely satisfying statement sink in, I will bend down and inch my face close to the perpetrator’s nose and with clear enunciation of each word say, “but I managed to do it.” With a pound of the fist on the table my voice will rise in tempo. “You sir, had a white spruce, I know it to be a fact. You are the driver in this photo are you not?” The car photo will return to the screen as naked testimony.

  After I receive the necessary apology for careless tree transportation and identification from the now exposed reckless driver, my gentle nature will kick in and I’ll place my hand softly on his shoulder. “I’ll forgive you this one offense on the grounds that you chose a real tree to celebrate a real season.  In so doing you are righting the ancient tradition handed down by our 17^th and 18^th century Germanic cousins who hung their trees upside-down in the corner of their living rooms.  They decorated their trees with apples, nuts and strips of red paper, while you my friend are decorating yours with L-O-V-E.  Merry Christmas.”

  With that, a tiny bell will ring and my new friend and I will join together in a rousing verse of “Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree.”