There have long been a questions hanging out there that I felt needed some answering. No one has dared to ask these questions out loud, but they are important none-the-less. It was only through great restraint that I avoided bringing up the topics that would generate answers to these non-questions – ugly, tuberous answers covered with hairy warts. These are the type of inquiries that should be whispered only to one’s self in the middle of the night. I long yielded to the force of “decency” and let them lie like a still flat rabbit on long lonely road, but no more.
There are many, but I’ll stick to four for the moment. They are: 1) What if Beavers had chainsaws?, 2) Where do Coco-Puffs come from?, 3)Where do Gooseberries come from?, and 4) Is there anything uglier than a Sucker fish? Yes, I know you are shocked to hear these laid out in such a frank manner in the harsh light of day, but to everything there is a season. It’s now truth season, so here goes.
What if Beavers had chainsaws?
Beavers, as everyone knows, are tree cutters. They are equipped with powerful jaw muscles and incredible self-sharpening chisel teeth. They can gnaw their way through medium sized trees in a single night and, given a couple of nights, they can make their way through large trees (see here). They don’t eat wood, but eat the bark instead. How much wood could a beaver chuck if a beaver was a chuck? Well that is another question and we don’t have time for that one. One mystery at a time, grasshopper.
Everyone loves beavers and cherishes their presence. Tiny children can draw pictures of them and businessmen quote phrases about being as busy as a beaver and damming all who show sloth tendencies. All ignore their dark dangerous side, however. Beavers operate under the cover of darkness for a good reason. At this very moment some of these giant rodents are in training to break free of their physical limitations. Only under the cover of night can they undergo tool training. Lock up your chainsaws and crosscuts. As soon as they develop a thumb they will be unstoppable. Look below and you’ll see what I mean. This is what would happen if beavers had chainsaws!
Where do Coco-Puffs come from?
If you are like me, you probably grew up thinking that Coco-Puff cereal comes from some magical place. Sure, you acknowledged that the boxes grew on trees, but those tasty little puffs of goodness were certainly laid one at a time from tiny metallic chocolate chickens along a conveyor belt. The General Mills Company would have you believe otherwise. “They are essentially Trix orbs with chocolate flavoring,” they will tell you and then name the actual factories where they are produced. They will then go on to inform you that the name “Coco-Puffs” is not hyphenated and is actually spelled “Cocoa Puffs.” Nonsense, they are cuckoo.
No, the real shocker in this whole sordid affair is that – no matter how you spell it – this cereal is a natural product which actually comes from the earth. Look at the beginning photo and you can see these Coc….er, coac….whatever, these dark Trix, issuing from the earth in my back yard! Yes, this cereal is made by Devil Crayfish which live underground!! They make their product out of little mud balls!!! They are, no doubt un-paid for their labors!!!! (nor am I paid for the use of exclamation marks!!!!!). Lest you doubt my conclusions, look below where I tasted some of these crayfish products. Look here to see the chocolaty milk that remained in the bowl. Apart from the slightly raw taste, these were indeed Coco-Puffs. Now you know.
Where do Gooseberries come from?
You know, I am starting to wear down. I’ve only answered two questions and find that my writing space and my energy is getting low. Let me be frank on this third question in order to save time. Gooseberries do not come from Geese. Geese make green sausages and occasionally lay large Coco Puffs. Gooseberries come from Bumblebees. When these early flowering plants bloom in the spring, the only pollinators out there are Bumblebees. The flowers (see here) are unremarkable but are like honey to a bee for the Bumbles (see below). In seeking the nectar, these native insects pollinate the flower and are responsible for development of the fruit. What is a Gooseberry you ask? Well, again, I need to remind you that is an additional question which is out of the sphere of this discussion. I am sorry for that, but there will be another time.
Is there anything uglier than a Sucker fish?
Finally, we’ve come to the last question and end of our little talk – for now. Most of what I have already revealed will no doubt generate more deep soul-searching and trigger a relapse back to calculating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. To this last question, therefore, I will let you come to your own conclusion but I would definitely answer “no.” Look at the detail picture of the White Sucker below. I rest my case.